January 1, 2012
All of this chatter/postings on Social Media I heard yesterday …ex: glad this year is over; f**k 2011; it was the worst year; it sucked…blah, blah, blah.
Well it got me to thinking…how was 2011 for me. In the 10th Step of the Basic Text – daily inventory- it reminds us to not only look at what went wrong or as I prefer to say “our challenges” but went right – our blessings. For me it is often easier to focus on the negative pieces of my life. I am good at that. It comes natural. However, today after being in recovery for 18 ½ years it’s not so natural once you have worked the steps and begin applying them in your daily life.
So I have spent a few hours this evening reflecting on this past year…well 18 months as I noticed myself and others pointing out what a “rough” 18 months it has been for our Family. It would be easy to fall into that role..,you know the one I am talking about…”the victim, whoa is me”. And yes I must admit I do get overwhelmed for a minute and then I talk with someone…usually my sponsor and am reminded that this is LIFE ON LIFE’S Terms – and we all get our time.
Perception is the key for me. It is how I choose to see something; hear something; visualize something. It is my friend and at times my foe. I have learned it is important to check my perceptions with others when I am not feeling as emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually balanced.At those time it is usually my Creator’s way of bringing situations/people into my life to heal yet at a deeper level. Not always pleasant to go through…but for me necessary to continue on my Life Journey.
So I looked at the events of the last 18 months….the Challenge and the Blessing. I must admit…I wasn’t always able to see the blessing right away…and for some I am still waiting although I believe the blessing is there and will come in it’s right time.
There are many people who have touched my spirit these past 18 months and I honor you, respect you and allow you your own journey. My mantra for the last year and a half…was for me to stay in my “own” lane. I continue to work on this daily – meaning allowing others their own journey without judgement.
The challenge will be in black ink….the blessing in red
July 2010 – Completed 1st Sundance in excruating pain – not thinking I could do it. Connected with some amazing people – the other Sundancers who shared their wisdom, teachings, love and encouragement. Met many other new people in our Circle of Life.
August 2010 - Two days prior to shoulder surgery I received a call from a brother whom we have had minimum conversation since my Mother passed in 1994. He informed me of my Father having cancer and I needed to come now! Creator always has a plan. First I wouldn’t be able to fly for a few months due to the surgery. This gave me the time to go inward in prayer and meditation for my answers from a Power Greater than myself. I wanted to go with love and forgiveness…without expectations. It had been many years since we had talked or seen each other. In late November my arm was better and I happened to be on Facebook. I usually never have my chat on however this night it was and I received a message from my cousin Jimmy. We got to talking about this and that and then he offered to pay for me and my daughter to go see my Dad. He said it was paying it forward. I say God worked through him.
December 2010 – Off to Arizona to see my Dad for a week. Walking on blind faith that it will all be good. Have friends out there in the program to connect with – as I had a back up plan. Actually 2 back up plans cause I could have stayed with cousin and his family. Our visit was wonderful, healing, loving and enjoyable. Something not only had shifted in me the previous 18 years in recovery….but my Dad had shifted too…with the direct help of my cousin’s and their families. I was no longer this little girl in his presence…but a mature woman, mom, grandmother, wife and grown daughter. I wish I would have stayed longer as we pulled out of his driveway that day. Sensing I would not see him like this again.
January 1 2011
- Richard and both felt like crap on New Year’s Eve however we committed to opening the meeting which we did and our grateful cause there were some newcomers there. Early morning we are still feeling like crap…high temps, fluish symptoms, etc. Of course you know the Man is always sicker. Resentfully I travel to the drugstore to stock up on cold remedies, vernors, popsicles and soup. He is still really sick upon returning home so I convince him to go to the ER. We call Gary and Gary agrees to take him so I can get some rest. Not 45 minutes later Gary calls….Richard has been having a heart attack and they are taking him into surgery immediately. As I am driving out to the hospital I get a call from my brother and my Dad has had a stroke and continues to have mini strokes…they don’t give him much time.
- Richard was fine with minimal damage to the heart. It was a life changing event for me and more so for him. I realized in that long drive to the hospital that nothing else mattered or was so important – other than my husbands life. Didn’t matter anymore that the laundry was piled up; tables dusty; floors dirty; his work boots in my way as always….that his life…our life was all that mattered. I have always loved him…but in that time at the hospital I realized the depths of my love and what was really important.
January 8, 2011
My Father has taken a turn for the worse and they have brought him home for Hospice to care for him. His wish…my cousin told me….was that all 4 of his children be together at his home when he died. Now we hadn’t been in the same room since my Mom’s funeral in 1994. The dilema was Richard was just home from the hospital and my father was dying. We also didn’t have the money for me to fly out there. Well Creator makes things possible. A friend loaned me the money; our other friends took care of Richard and I flew out on January 9 2011. Unsure of what welcome if any I would have I went….and I took all of you and your love and support with me. I got to my father’s at 10 am….and he was already half in the spirit world. Although when he saw me he turned his head and clear as day said “Hello…how are you”. I am good Daddy…and I am here….and it’s okay. That whole day he kept looking at the picture of his Mother on the wall. People were in and out visiting him and the cousins where all there too. I stayed late into the night only to be called back a few hours later. Upon returning it was obvious he was leaving us for the other side. I asked for some time with him alone…bent over and up to his ear and told him I loved him. He replied in a whisper “I’m sorry and I love you”. He passed an hour later….the same day his Mother passed years ago….January 10, 2011. I decided to leave the next day to be with my husband. I had come to be with him during his transition and walked away feeling peace in my spirit.
TO BE CONTINUED…….HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVERYONE